subterfuge

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better."
- Henry Rollins

I guess that's what loneliness really do, doesn't it?
You're only able to be who you really are, when its late at night and nobody is looking.
That's when you allow those tears to flow.
That's when you truly admit to your feelings after having a long day of laughing, joking and smiling with your friends.
The day wasn't as painful as friendship gave me an illusion even for just 5-7 hours of me not being alone. 
& just like what the quote says, when the sun sets, you know that that's when your friends are going home, and yourself will also be going home. & the true loneliness comes back creeping, it comes back.
& it feels as though its burning you really bad.
& that's it. you're alone. the feeling of being trapped in a past that you cannot walk out of truly tears you apart.
I've been hiding it so well, so tightly, so deceiving that everyone was fooled, except for one of my friend.
He truly knows that it was a scar that never recovered. Its a scar that i hide it with all the smiles and jokes i crack.
But it had been deceiving enough that it managed to cover the truth to many's eyes, including you.
For the past week, it has been revision after revision.
Kept telling myself to study hard, and maintain the grades i got from mid-semester test.
But truthfully, things were no longer the same since week 2 of this term.
The reason on why i was studying was no longer the same.
I worked my ass off and studied like crazy, because i want to built a bright future, not for myself, but for us.
& now, everything feels like its up in the smoke.
it feels like whatever you've been working for, was utterly useless.
& at night, when i'm trying to get to sleep. those selfish thoughts, feeling that i shouldn't even be treated that way.
& yet, I can't bring myself to do anything.
& so I've became voiceless about this, because deep within, I know, no matter how sad I feel, how much I wished for things to change, it aint gonna happen again.

P.S.
Sometimes, its good that not many people come to this blog.
at least, i can remain as someone happy and carefree on the outside.