lamentation

There's this song that I've been listening on repeat for 2 days already.
Its titled Boston by Augustana, for some of you who knows this song, we got to admit its a kinda old song.
But sometimes it's songs like these, that are embedded in our memories forever.
It is a type of song that you'll come to remember the lyrics and start singing it to yourself without any reason.
Its that type of song that you didn't have to always listen to and yet, you can remember how it sounds like.
& sometimes, such songs are embedded in our memories not because of how nice it sounds like.
But the memories that plays along with it, a trace of memory that you wish can still happen again, and yet knowing it is all in the past.
So you tend to play it again and again, to just savor that moment.
For those who come to my blog often, i believed you have read the previous post.
& somewhere along the previous week, i started to doubt that post.
I even started to doubt myself.
It all started on this night when i suddenly felt like I am some superhuman to recover from such pain so quickly.
& it was then i realised am i really recovered? Or it was all just something i hope to believe in.
Humans like us tend to believe in things that we choose to believe. Very little of us would like to believe in something that we choose not to.
I choose not to believe that i'm a weak person.
I choose to believe that i'm a strong person. But am i lying to myself?
Someone said this to me last week, "You shouldn't be joking around that much because it makes you look like a fool. Because you're not a funny person."
Somehow, even though i replied by just saying everybody deserves a little bit of laughter.
But i kept pondering on what this person said.
Others tend to say that i'm funny. But why am i making people laugh when truly i know that i'm scarred, broken and vulnerable in the inside.
Why is it that i tend to keep laughing, smiling, and even talking as though nothing happened when late at night i still tend to drop a tear or two.
I've been thinking really hard, and i guess i just don't wish to show people the vulnerable side of me.
I can still remember the scene clearly, where i keep receiving messages from others asking if i'm fine, it felt that bad.
& so, to let everything stop, and everyone to feel better and not be worried about me, i've been fixing my own heart, and at the same time, building a wall around myself to not let anyone see the vulnerable side of me.
I don't want others to see me as someone weak, i don't need anyone to sympathize with me. I just want to stand on my own. I want to live my life on my own terms.
& for someone who actually care enough and sensitive enough to know that i'm no longer like the old me anymore, they would come into my life and knock these walls down to bring me out of all these pain that i'll be burying deep within me.
that's when a new chapter of my life begins.

inquietude

2 weeks ago, i felt that i fell so hard that i would never want to get back up again.
when everything, everything I cherished, everything I ever wanted abruptly came to an end.
I felt it coming at that instance, and every reply felt like I'm going to war.
& the outcome? i've lost the war.
At that moment, i felt that i really lost everything.
I felt that it was so unfair for myself to receive such treatment.
A mixture of anger, regrets, and anguish.
& of course, zero percent of happiness.
Rough days and even rougher nights, tears that meandered down my cheeks uncontrollably.
& it felt as though my smile was being robbed away.
& it was only up till this night, when i felt so thirsty and i was pouring myself a cup of water.
Halfway through, my mind wandered off somewhere and i guess i was staring blankly on the table.
However, not for long, i was brought back to reality when the water overflowed from the cup.
& that's when i decided to really get back up and fight for what i think i'm worth of.
Well, happiness, satisfaction are really alike with filling up a cup with water isn't it?
One might say that you can never have enough of everything.
But others also say that there's a limit to everything.
So which side of the story should i stand at?
A side where i'll keep getting and keep taking what i want, or a side that i won't keep receiving all of the stuffs that i wish i have.
I guess somewhere in the middle? Where most people are too.
Life is really like this i guess. People often say, life is always full of up and down, it is just like a roller-coaster ride.
We've been asked to enjoy this roller-coaster ride when we can, be it high or low, we just gotta cherish every moment of it, because its a one ride only thing.
When the ride comes to an end and you want to ride it again, its too late. Its one of those things that doesn't give you a second chance if you don't take it yourself during the ride.
& yet, many of us are so shallow about our own feelings, our own thoughts, and even our own life.
Me, and i believe for many others, we always complain and get really upset and feel that we are unfairly treated or complain that life sucks when we're at the lower point during the ride. I won't say the lowest, because you'll never truly know how low you can reach.
But the irony is that, when we're way high up, we always feel damn happy, some of us won't cherish those moments, while others might. & we might even say, life feels so great and stuffs like that. But when we hit rock bottom, boom, we forget everything about being happy once, and gave a totally different view on life almost immediately.
Is it because most of us are brought up in an environment that we can almost get everything we want and in the midst of getting what we want, we've forgot the meaning of cherishing them.
& is it because that we're just plain selfish and wish to be happy and wish that things will go right or go by our way all the time.
But, like i've said earlier, happiness, satisfaction are really like filling a cup with water.
There will be a time, when the cup will be fully filled, a time when the water level reaches the brim. & at that point, when we continue to pour water in the cup, what happens?
It overflows. & the whole place will be in a mess if we don't clean it up fast enough .
Sometimes, we might even stubbornly continue to pour more water into the cup, even when we know its fulled already, and we will be caught at the moment of messiness, which can be referred to us stuck in misery.
But i guess a simple solution is just to drink the water first, take our time to savor each slip and take our time to drink it slowly, and when the cup is empty again, we'll just fill it up.
Happiness doesn't last forever, fairytales are given that name for a reason.
But we just gotta know that we don't have to keep getting happiness or satisfaction, but we just need to enjoy the moment when we have it.
& when we won't receive it for a moment, we just gotta take our time and not to stubbornly fight for more. But just to wait for the right moment and then fight for the happiness again.
& for me now, i'm just gotta stay strong, not just for myself but for everybody who cares for me too, including you.
& I guess its only when you truly learn how to live not only for yourself but also for others then you truly knows the meaning of being selfless.
The moment when you've decided your life doesn't only revolves around you, but instead many others that are around you also revolves in it. That's the moment when you'll learn how to live, the moment when you will find a new reason and meaning in life.
I might feel damn roughed and feel damn down, i might feel i'm damn alone.
But being too concentrated in my own sadness, being too concentrated in looking at my wrecked heart, wondering how and when will it put into pieces together, i've forgotten to take a break and look around me.
Many others are still standing behind me, supporting me. & when you've decided not to allow your sadness to affect others, its when you'll painfully fixed back your own heart, a heart that you didn't break, but it broke by its own. Yes, you might feel damn painful to fix back your own broken heart, but its when you feel that pain to fix your own heart, you'll cherish it more and get stronger.
Well, i'll continue to be me, just a newer me, a stronger and more matured person to just accept what life has to offer and continue fighting.
A fighter doesn't need to be physically strong, its the heart and mentality that matters.
Thank you for hearing me rant, and i genuinely hope that my own experience and my thoughts might help in one way or another.
Love life.

MingKang.