lamentation

There's this song that I've been listening on repeat for 2 days already.
Its titled Boston by Augustana, for some of you who knows this song, we got to admit its a kinda old song.
But sometimes it's songs like these, that are embedded in our memories forever.
It is a type of song that you'll come to remember the lyrics and start singing it to yourself without any reason.
Its that type of song that you didn't have to always listen to and yet, you can remember how it sounds like.
& sometimes, such songs are embedded in our memories not because of how nice it sounds like.
But the memories that plays along with it, a trace of memory that you wish can still happen again, and yet knowing it is all in the past.
So you tend to play it again and again, to just savor that moment.
For those who come to my blog often, i believed you have read the previous post.
& somewhere along the previous week, i started to doubt that post.
I even started to doubt myself.
It all started on this night when i suddenly felt like I am some superhuman to recover from such pain so quickly.
& it was then i realised am i really recovered? Or it was all just something i hope to believe in.
Humans like us tend to believe in things that we choose to believe. Very little of us would like to believe in something that we choose not to.
I choose not to believe that i'm a weak person.
I choose to believe that i'm a strong person. But am i lying to myself?
Someone said this to me last week, "You shouldn't be joking around that much because it makes you look like a fool. Because you're not a funny person."
Somehow, even though i replied by just saying everybody deserves a little bit of laughter.
But i kept pondering on what this person said.
Others tend to say that i'm funny. But why am i making people laugh when truly i know that i'm scarred, broken and vulnerable in the inside.
Why is it that i tend to keep laughing, smiling, and even talking as though nothing happened when late at night i still tend to drop a tear or two.
I've been thinking really hard, and i guess i just don't wish to show people the vulnerable side of me.
I can still remember the scene clearly, where i keep receiving messages from others asking if i'm fine, it felt that bad.
& so, to let everything stop, and everyone to feel better and not be worried about me, i've been fixing my own heart, and at the same time, building a wall around myself to not let anyone see the vulnerable side of me.
I don't want others to see me as someone weak, i don't need anyone to sympathize with me. I just want to stand on my own. I want to live my life on my own terms.
& for someone who actually care enough and sensitive enough to know that i'm no longer like the old me anymore, they would come into my life and knock these walls down to bring me out of all these pain that i'll be burying deep within me.
that's when a new chapter of my life begins.