serenity

 

Hello everyone.
Holidays are finally coming to an end and during this 3 week period, i felt a whole bunch of emotions compared to studying for the past few weeks.
& this morning, when i woke up, i continued lying on my bed.
As i stared blankly at the ceiling, i started wondering, wondering a whole lot of different stuffs.
If i need to use one single word to describe how i feel about myself this holiday it is actually: accelerator.
You know, i tend to like to rush things, especially i tend to rush for the things i want.
When i want to do well in academics, i'll rush and study alot.
When i want to excel in my CCAs during my secondary school days, i rush and put alot of effort in it.
When i want to buy a game or something that much, i rush to save up and buy it.
Therefore, i would say that i rush alot.
Perhaps its because of the type of environment that im in ever since im young? Its very competitive, people always striving to be the best. & this is something you cannot deny if you're in living here in Singapore. The fantasy line of "there's no need to be the first, as long as you feel that you did enough, its enough" does not really apply here. At least i'll say, for myself.
Or am i actually just pointing fingers, and that i am actually a very competitive person.
You know, when i fix onto a goal, or a target that i aim for.
I'll stick with it, persevere through it, and fight my way to it.
So you know, sometimes i really get into trouble for being a step or way too fast.
& perhaps its also because of this which led me to lose out in many different stuffs.
Somethin called serenity?
In someone like me, you can never find peace or calm within.
I'm always rushing, so much till the extend where i never really stop moving and just enjoy myself and take a look around.
Sometimes, i just really wish i could care less.
I care alot, maybe sometimes too much that people tend to visualize my self-proclaimed care into being too obsessive.
But its because i do mind alot about how stuffs are like.
Its because i want to hold you really close so that i'm able to protect you from the world.
But i can't do that right. Hahaha..
& somewhere along the line where we are all growing up, perhaps we really lose who we use to be .
& somewhere along the line, some of us might build walls around ourselves.
I know why people do that because trust me, i'm one of those people.
I never allow anyone except for my love ones to come very close to me.
I don't allow normal friends or people i meet to see my tender side and to know who i really am.
I don't like to let people know how i feel about certain stuffs.
You know, i'm sure many of others are actually going through this as well.
But have we really wondered by isolating ourselves like that to prevent being hurt or to even feel safe, are actually making you feel lonely?
"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."- Orson Welles
So, by building walls around ourselves and not to dare to step out into this world, how do we feel that we're not alone.
I heard this on TV once, "I came to this world crying & i want to leave this world with a smile on my face"
This might get a little too far off but, by building walls around yourself, do you think you'll leave this world with a smile?
Sometimes, i really gotta take one step at a time and enjoy everything that is happening around me.
Time. Time is nothing actually. We cannot save it, we cannot buy it, we cannot rewind it. Once it's over, its gone.
Let's all learn to appreciate time and go with the flow of time. Only then, we are able to see and appreciate things around us without losing out. & that is said by me.

MingKang.